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another try

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Dream and frustation

I believe that dreams should tell something, either it is something that will happen in near future or just deep thoughts, feelings, ambition, desire, anger, frustation, fear, etc.

Few nights ago I had one of the nicest dream in my life. No..it's not winning million dollars or fancy car. It's not either having the moon on my lap. Indonesian believe that it is a very fortunate dream to have. My dream was actually fighting with my family members at tatami, where I kicked their ass down and threw them all over the place with my aikido moves.

The dream started with heated conversation between me and my family members due to all of our differences, the debate that never took place since I didn't want to hurt anybody else's feeling as it already has. And then, I felt so tired to have this nonsense and proposed to finish our arguments on tatami, where we could get physical. I believe, a real fight should be able to release all the anger and frustation, better than just screaming at each other. And then, the fire inside should cool off. Some people would and can think that I am a cruel girl. Everybody knows that girls should be nice and not to be physical like boys. I totally disagree. A good fight can turn out to be a discover of a good rival, rival does not doomed to be enemy, most of them can turn out to be best friends in the end.

What happened next was that all of my family members and potential members (except my mom) agreed to take me down at tatami. One by one started to attack me, and I sent them to the ground every time. I still can feel the energy that I had during the fight, it was my best randori ever, even only in a dream. And when I saw everybody lying on the ground in the end of the fight, I felt a sense of relieve that I wish for for all of these years. I woke up with a big smile and never felt better in my life before.

But then I wonder why I had the dream in the first place, and what it suppose to mean. Some of people would say, don't bother, but I think I should. I finally conclude that I have some unfinished business with my family. There are conversations and words that never got spoken. I was trapped in a society norm that holds family harmony on top of other things. I kept my mouth shut too long in my effort to avoid open conflict. In the end, I am frustated, especially since I am endowed with stubborn mind and (too) loose tongue. I surrendered too much to what my society thinks of what a family should be, a total hypocracy!

Indonesian society puts value on appearances more than on content. Not only about family, but about everything. Many people do what they do just because they want to look good in front of other people eyes. The worst part is they guide themselves and their life in what they think will look good to other people and not to what they really want to or care about. So, let's have a conflict free family, bite your own tongue when you disagree about something. Keep your smile even when people intervene in your private life and ask personal questions. Stay respectful when your uncles and aunties tell you how to run your life because they think you don't know what is good for you (meaning what looks good for others). There is no real discussion in a family, as there is a pre-text of consensus even before the discussion begin.

A stubborn minded and frank girl like me has been labelled rude, impolite, and big mouthed. I have been sharing my thoughts about anything, trying to release myself from hypocracy nets and tell people not what they want to hear but what I want them to hear. To be honest.

Unfortunately, in Indonesian society, honesty only has value when it is not 'disturbing'. Truth is good as long as it is in line with society norms and value. Again, to lie in order to look good in front of others are better than standing up and be honest. And that is what I have been doing, I was not being true to myself. The dream gives me a clue of what I should do. To be honest to my family about my thoughts, feelings, and disappointment. I'll put it nicely, of course. As my friend says, when you put a sugar coat on top of hard truth, others may actually be able to swallow it.


  • I thought this post will be second part of the tree story hehe..

    Well, this family matter, somehow I understand pit, but I don't have any good word to make you feel better. Just to let you know that I have my ear ready to listen :-)

    By Blogger Wira, at April 04, 2005 11:42 AM  

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