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Monday, April 11, 2005

Baby question

After wedding, it is normal in Indonesia for family or people around you to ask 'baby question'. So, I have been facing these baby questionS for almost 2 years now. First my parents were reluctant to ask "are you pregnant yet?" as they know that I hate that question and think that the question is absurb. But yet, they are still living in a society believing that baby should be born as soon as possible for young couple to actually form a family, and for me to be a real woman. Thus, they finally asked the question, although indirectly, and of course, I gave them my best known and usual answer. Children should wait until I have finished my PhD, until I am satisfied with my own life, until I have a good career, in short until I want to have one and ready to have one.

Let's talk about the importance of baby. Do you really need a baby to form a family? Is baby vital for the strenght of couple's bound? Is it impossible to be happy without a baby in a marriage life? My answer is NO. It's not that baby should not bring happiness, the point is there can be happiness without child. Being just two does not mean a couple does not have a family, a small one, yet it is still a family. In Indonesia some people argue that a wife should have children to bound her husband to her through the kids, and a childless wife should be ready to have her husband looking somewhere else to have kids. How sad. How low women's worth is in the eye of society. What about if a woman cannot have children? Is she should be condemned to be unhappy and incomplete for the rest of her life? How unfair! Woman's existence and identity should not be dependent on husband or children. Womanhood is beyond marriage and pregnancy.

A lot of people have pushed me to have babies and all of them have been wondering why I do not want to taste the happiness of motherhood.

I am sure there is happiness of motherhood, but there are also worries, frustation, patience tests, etc. I am not a girl with pinky life vision. For me children is not only the boundle of joy, it is little human whose future is dependent on us, the parents. It is a huge responsibility.

Will we be able to raise them properly, having in mind that they will have to combine two different cultures, norms, and habits? Will we be able to teach them what is good in life and what is not? Will we be able to give them just enough freedom to find out who they are, but not too much to make them fall into all troubles, or too little to chock them with our love and attention? Will we be able to give them sense of responsibility, respect, and tolerance to others? Will we be able to make them listen and encourage them to feel free to talk to us? Will we be able to train them to be good person? So many questions..

I don't want to have children for the sake of having one. I want to realize and be ready of all the responsibilities waiting for me and my husband ahead. Until the moment comes, I will just smile to baby questions and simply say, "you will have to wait."


  • Setuju banget. Do have a baby when you feel ready, when you want that baby.
    A baby is a little person, you as parents are fully responsable to grow up this person to be useful one in society.
    It's not only about material things, it's about education, time to share, love and responsability.
    Di indonesia, kalau kamu sudah berumah tangga, pertanyaan pertama: sudah punya anak? kalau belum ditanya juga alasannya. Nanti kalau sudah punya anak, ditanya lagi, kapan adiknya menyusul (bayi ke 2)...Saya selalu sudah siap mental dgn pertanyaan2 org2 itu, just be patience! :)
    -thanks for visiting my blog

    By Anonymous naga, at April 14, 2005 3:03 PM  

  • Terima kasih telah mampir Mbak.

    Saya salut sama Mbak yang sudah siap mental. Wong saya saja yang pulang hanya setahun sekali suka dongkol kalau ditanyain 'sudah hamil belum'? Iya Mbak, saya akan belajar lebih sabar, dan siapin mental baja serta senyum manis setiap pulang kampung.

    By Blogger Pipit, at April 14, 2005 5:46 PM  

  • Right on, Pipit! People need to realize that having children is a very personal decision... it isn't something you do just because society thinks you should. There are so many things to consider, like you said. But then people will always say, "But you can never be 100% ready..." It's really none of their business! What I find annoying is that certain family-oriented societies look down upon couples who abstain from having children or who have "only" one child. I know of a friend who has only one kid, and they think she is selfish for doing so. People who think this way should go into teaching or something child-related for a while - they could use the perspective.

    It's not easy dealing with everyone's comments and "baby questions"... good for you for sticking to your guns. :)

    By Anonymous Jen, at February 19, 2006 3:02 PM  

  • Ya, saya sebenarnya termasuk yang pengen cepet punya anak, tapi sampai i,5 tahun nikah belom dikasi juga................kadang2 sikap org2 emang nyebelin seakan akan kalo yang ga punya anak teh ga berharga deh..............apalagi kalo pas acara keluarga, pasti ga diperhatiin karena ga ada anaknya dan pertanyaan serta pernyataan yng sering bikin sbel. Emangnya kalo nikah wajib punya anak ya..............itukan anugrah dan pilihan............ya ga?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 30, 2007 5:54 AM  

  • mbaaaak..makasiy supportnyaaa.. saya udh 1 thn nikah, dan skrg lg S3. Saya sebel banget kl ada org yg nanya2in, kl sekedar nanya saya msh bs jawab lah, dgn senyuman. Kl memang saya belum dikasiih aja, lagian saya ga menunda kok. Tp ada yg sok nasehatin blg "kgn sekolah mulu, apa ga mau punya anak?" atau "ntar keburu tua lo..." duuh..sebeeel. Saya itu bukannya ga mau punya anak..beneran. Cuman belum jadi2 aja..hiks..kejamnya mereka yg menjudge secara sepihak!! Wah, jd curhat gini mba... salam kenal yah...

    By Blogger nelf, at April 11, 2007 8:57 AM  

  • wah pipit.. saya jadi semangat lagi dalam ngejar urusan perwujudan impian yang masih harus diselesaikan. Internship di organisasi non pemerintah yang internasional dibilang "ngapain magang? kerja sekalian biar ada duitnya!". Kursus Perancis, German dan Itali dibilang 'banci kursus'. Dan orang udah bawel nanyain kapan saya nikah dan sebagainya. Ah... ya sutra lah. pokoknya abis baca blog ini gue nggak ngerasa sendirian! :)
    kapan2 mampir ke blog sy yang udah lama nggak dilanjutin... hehe... http://shoopap.multiply.com (berniat pindah ke blogspot sih!)

    By Blogger shoopap, at November 17, 2009 3:15 AM  

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